Prior to the start of the Washington Capitals’ first game of the 2022-23 NHL season, I wrote a blog asking: Is Alex Ovechkin ACTUALLY Good?

The blog — in case you were unaware — was what the layman’s call a “facade.” Not only did I do no actual breakdown as I confidently claimed I would in the title of the blog, I did no real research whatsoever. I simply just said in a comical two sentences that Ovechkin is good in order to silence the doubters.

Well, it appears as though in a strange twist of fate that the joke is actually on me.

Since I sent out that blog to the entire world, the Washington Capitals have started their season 1-2-0 and Alex Ovechkin has contributed just 1 assist and no goals. The power play — a staple of Ovechkin and the Capitals’ offense over the last decade plus — has gone 1/11 so far on the season.

This abysmal start shows no clear signs of slowing down (despite a 3-1 win over the Montreal Canadiens last Saturday), and every day seems like another step closer to the “PANIC!” button. What teams in the salary-cap era have had a start this slow only to eventually turn things around? Other than the St. Louis Blues being in dead last in January 2019 and winning the Stanley Cup, as well as a handful of other examples, I would confidently say not too many.

This didn’t make sense to me though because this team looks good on paper. They addressed their biggest issue of last season by signing Stanley-Cup Champion, Darcy Kuemper, to a five-year, $26.25million contract this past offseason to take over the starter’s net. They also signed Charlie Lindgren to a 3-year, $3.3million contract to back-up Kuemper.

They looked to replace their injured stars in Nicklas Backstrom and Tom Wilson by bringing in Dylan Strome and Connor Brown. Although not the same caliber of players, still damn-good players in their own right and what seem like natural additions to the roster.

So what in God’s name is the issue?

Well, it became clear to me earlier today. The issue is the blog I wrote saying how Alex Ovechkin is good. I mean, of course that’s what the problem is, how could I have been so blind to it before? The world operates on a little entity known as karma, and brother… have I just opened up a big ole can of it. Obviously the blog was just a joke, but did it cross the line?

I have cursed the greatest player in franchise history and, in turn, the entire team.

Let me just jump right out in front of this and state that I obviously didn’t mean to curse him. I want Ovi to succeed, I’m in his and the team’s corner. What’s clear, however, is I have upset what I would imagine is some sort of Voodoo God. I’m unfamiliar with curses and hexes and their origins, but any time I have heard of them, the word, “voodoo,” was never very far off so I’d say it’s a safe assumption.

Unfortunately, I feel like the only way to appease the angered Voodoo Gods is to sacrifice some kind of animal into a volcano. This is tricky because I have two dogs and, I’m sorry Caps fans, they’re off limits. I want this team and Ovechkin to do better but I just can’t sacrifice one of them. They’re pretty cool pets that I’ve grown a fondness to. This creates another string of issues because my access to goats and sheep is extremely limited, and they seem to be the most likely candidates to be sacrificed to a God. There are farms in my area, but successfully kidnapping one of them seems like I’d be aiming for the stars. I don’t have the human resources on my own and I’m not confident I could assure any help as there aren’t many Caps fans in my area.

Second, and probably the biggest deterrer of me going through with this, is that they generally sacrifice these animals into volcanoes. I have been on Google Maps all morning and there are few, if any volcanoes in rural Ontario, Canada. I have a fire pit in my backyard, but I don’t see a world where the Voodoo Gods accept that as a debt repaid.

The Capitals look to get their season back on track tonight against the Vancouver Canucks. Ovechkin will look to score his first of the season. The power play will look to find its footing.

All of that sounds nice and dandy, but until a goat is in a volcano, this may be a throwaway season.

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